Caring
for Caregivers Newsletter
Published by Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach
Improving
Family Communications
Dear Janice,
I’m worried about how I will take care of my father in the future.
When I try to ask him about what he wants and what plans he has made for
the future, he doesn’t want to talk about it. What should I do?
Concerned Daughter
Dear Janice,
Every time my husband and I try to share our plans and concerns for the
future, our son refuses to listen. He keeps saying that we don’t
need to talk because my husband and I are both healthy. We want to discuss
things now before there is a crisis. What should we do?
Worried Parents
If the questions
weren’t so important I would have laughed when I received these
questions within two days of each other. It just points out on both sides
of the communication divide between parents and their adult children there
is concern and frustration. Luckily the answer to both of these questions
is the same. First of all I think it’s important to say that everyone
feels uncomfortable talking about tough issues like illness and mortality.
It’s only natural to want to avoid these topics and talk about something
more pleasant.
Tips for important conversations
Think about what you want to discuss. Make notes about what you want to
cover.
Go into the conversation knowing that it’s not one conversation
but many conversations that need to occur.
Plan your exit if the conversation becomes heated. You might consider
saying something like “I see that our conversation is making you
upset so let’s stop talking now” or “I’d like
you to think about what I brought up today because this is important to
both of us and I want to finish our conversation at another time.”
If a parent is reluctant to talk, ask for their help. Pick a calm, quiet
time with no distractions to start the discussion. Keep trying, don’t
be discouraged if your first efforts to have this type of conversations
fall a bit flat.
If other family members need to be involved, try to arrange for them to
be present.
Take notes during the conversation and practice active listening skill
of summarizing and repeating what you heard to make sure you understand
what your family member said.
Keep in mind that even when the conversation does not proceed smoothly
you are planting seeds that may germinate in the future.